As a young child, I was quite artistic, creative, and imaginative. I loved writing, drawing, and painting, but as I got older, I allowed other things to get in the way. I stopped reading. I stopped carrying a notebook and pencil around with me. I abandoned my drawing pad. Stopped buying paints.
Responsibility had to come first.
I abandoned my dream of becoming a published author. Of being able to draw and paint on the side.
A large part of me withered. My soul was starving, lacking nurture. I knew that something was missing, a part of me lacking, leaving me unhappy. Unfulfilled.
But once you’ve abandoned a dream, how do you get it back?
I started with small steps. After an almost 4 year hiatus, I started writing poetry again. Then I started working on other projects. Jotting down my notes. Leaving pen and pad on my nightstand for when I’d wake up in the middle of night, needing to scribble down the words that had formed themselves while I slept.
It was freeing. Exhilarating.
Why had I waited so long? Why had I abandoned this part of myself? Why did I think that I would be okay if I didn’t allow myself to explore my own form of self-expression?
Why did I allow the basic need for a paycheck get in the way of actually living?
To this day, the only answer I have is that I was forcing myself into becoming a responsible adult. I was trying to fit an imperfect, soul-killing mold. Once I was able to recognize this, I was able to move forward – which for me, meant moving backwards. It meant rediscovering a part of me that I had thrown away a used pair of sneakers.
My days of randomly sketching things seem to be behind me (though that may change one day), but I have started drawing and painting again. I have also started putting together vinyl kits and helping my husband paint his custom Transformer Kitbashes.
In the end, all that matters to me is that I explore the creative side of myself. I never allow what I perceive to be society’s expectations to box me in.
I am happy to say that I’ve torn off my shackles. I’m letting my inner geek shine. No one can tell me who to be if I don’t let them.
Who are you?
What society told you to be?
Or are you your own creation?